"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
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