The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
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