"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
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