“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
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