"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
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