“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
The temperature can only go up from here.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
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