"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
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