“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
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