“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
Go to BabaMail
