“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
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