“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
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