“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
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