“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
Go to BabaMail
