“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
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