“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
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