“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
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