"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
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