"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
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