“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
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