"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Monday should be optional.”
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
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