“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
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