“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
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