“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
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