“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
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