"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
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