"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
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