“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
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