"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
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