“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
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