" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
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