“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
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