"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
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