Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
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