“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
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