“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
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