“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
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