“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)