Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
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