"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
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