"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
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