“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
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