"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
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