“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
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