“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
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