"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
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