“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
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