“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
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