"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
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