“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
Summer should get a speeding ticket
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
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