“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
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