“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw