"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
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