Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
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