"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
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