“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
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