Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
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