“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
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