“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
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