“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
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