“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
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