"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
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