"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
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