“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
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