"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
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