“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
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