"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
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