“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
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