“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
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