"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
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