“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
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