“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
"I don't tan. I burn"
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
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