"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
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