“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"Time wounds all heels."
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
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