"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
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