“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
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