“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
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