A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
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