“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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