"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
The temperature can only go up from here.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
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