“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
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