“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
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