"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
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