“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
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