"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
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