“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
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