“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
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