“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
The temperature can only go up from here.
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
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