"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
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