“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
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