“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
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