“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
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