I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
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