“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
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