“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan