“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"I don't tan. I burn"
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
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