“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
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