“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
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