“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
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