"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
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