"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
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