“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
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