“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
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