“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
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