“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"I don't tan. I burn"
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
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