"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
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