"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
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