"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
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