“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
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