“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
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