"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
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