"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
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