“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
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