"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
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