“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
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