“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
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