"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
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