You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
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