“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
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