"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“Every mile is two in winter.”
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Go to BabaMail
