“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
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