Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
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