“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
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