"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
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