"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
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