“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
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