“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
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