“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
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